Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?

Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.
The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
I've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution.
Divorce is always hard. Especially on the kids. 'Course I am the result of my parents having stayed together so ya never know.
What kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.
He's not a Nazi, Elaine. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.
To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there... you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it... you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.
She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route: years of rejections and failures until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.Jerry Seinfeld Quote
about Kramer: If you feed him, he'll never leave.
People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
Y'know I remember when I was a kid growing up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe - 'Jerry Jerry Dingleberry', 'Seinsmelled'..."
Excuse me, my friends over there are going to pay me fifty bucks if I take one of your eggrolls.
You know, just admitting that another man is attractive doesn't necessarily make you a homosexual.
[Elaine's boyfriend as seen a photo of her with her nipple exposed] : Let me tell you, I didn't intentionally bare myself, but now, I wish I had. For it's not me who has been exposed, but you. For I have seen the nipple on your soul.
Married women don't "get together". They have affairs.
Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it." "How old are you?

Quick Info Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Be a pal and spread the word!

Fresh Stand-up Comedy Concert Videos

Comedian Biographies

New interviews

Comedy Routine Videos

Comedy Facts

Find my site on DoubleClick Ad Planner
Protected by Copyscape Web Copyright Checker
We have 69 guests online
Copyright © 2008 - 2011. BestComedyOnline.net: The best Stand Up Comedy Videos