Chris Rock Quotes

Chris Rock Quotes from Kill the Messenger (2008)

George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra...anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"

We're not just voting for him 'cause he's black, we're voting for him 'cause he's black and qualified. That's why we're voting for the motherfucker. Yeah. That's why we behind him. It's not like we're voting for Flavor Flav. "Yeeeeah, boooooy! Flavor Flaaaav!" Hey, I love Flavor. Lovin' him for 20 years. I love the "Flavor of Love" show; I think it's quite entertainin'. But Flavor Flav must be killed. In order for black people to truly reach the promised laand, Flavor Flav has to be shot. These are important times! We got a black man runnin' for President! We don't need a nigger runnin' around with a fuckin' clock around his neck and a Viking hat on his head! "Not this year, Flav, put a suit on! Nigga, put a suit on!"
George Bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don't give a fuck? Bush don't give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hangin' from a cliff, gettin' ready to fall to your death--that's right--and Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks...he wouldn't give you one. "Hey, Bush, I need a fuck!" "Ohh, you know I don't give a fuck. Here's a fuck...psych!"

Chris Rock Quotes from Never Scared (HBO, 2004):

Women HATE women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, "Fuck that bitch", "Fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Aww man, shes nice, I gotta get me a girl LIKE that." If a woman introduces her new man to here girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes "I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that bitches throat to do it." Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.
Are we so desperate for entertainment that we fall for a trickless magician? Saw a lady in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something. What's his last trick? "I'm in a box and I ain't going to eat. I'm in a box and I ain't going to eat." That ain't no trick. That's called living in the projects.
You know the stripper myth? There's a stripper myth, that's being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, I'm strippin' to pay my tuition. No you're not! There’s no stripper in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, man. I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. We're 10% of the population, we're 90% of the Final Four.
Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man. A good girlfriend too, it's like, "Yeah, I'll go shopping with her, but I ain't gonna leave that bitch alone with my man for five minutes, no." I remember one time, I was at a restaurant with me, my wife, and her girlfriend. And my wife gets up and goes, "Honey, I'm going to the bathroom." And I'm like, "All right, honey, I'll see you when you get back." And she goes, "No, you coming with me!" She made me come with her to the bathroom! And she did the right thing, 'cause I'd have fucked the girl; I'da fucked her. I'd have fucked her on a damn quesadilla, I didn't give a fuck.

Chris Rock Quotes from Bigger and Blacker (HBO, 1999)

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!
A bunch of girls say, "You don't need no man to help you raise no child" … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don't mean it's to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good fucking idea!
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
At least they're trying to get rid of AIDS. Some diseases they just gave up on. Some diseases, if you get them, you're on your own. They ain't going to have no telethon for you. R Kelly ain't singing no song. You just got this shit.
I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.

Chris Rock Quotes from Bring the Pain (HBO, 1996)

People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat y enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!
So you gotta look at OJ's situation. He's paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got a another man driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he's still paying the mortgage on. Now I'm not saying he should have killed her... but I understand.
There's a lot of racism going on. Who are more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people, and there's two sides, there's black people and theres niggas. The niggas have got to go. You can't have shit when you around niggas, you can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning. Paint it white; hope niggas think it's a bassinet. Can't have shit in your house! Why?! Because niggas will break into your house. Niggas that live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day and go, "I heard you got robbed." Nigga, you know you robbed me. You didn't see shit 'cause you was doing shit! You can't go see a movie, you know why? 'Cause niggas is shooting at the screen, "This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in here!" You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that? "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!

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