You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to piss you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.
I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you -- I hope she meets somebody nice.
I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.
Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man -- the hooker gave the money back.'
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.
The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.
We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.
My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
That's the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg 'cause they're all males and not one of them is gonna pull over and ask directions.
The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents -- 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years -- what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'
My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam -- uh, don't kiss guys.'
I don't think it's fair -- you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. 'Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.'
I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: 'We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore.' 'Why? I'm not paying you -- my parents are! Come here!'
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