Comedy Quotes

Find your favorite Stand up Comedian Quotes here. Get them while they're hot! We have pages with lasting sayings from famous stand up comedians such as: George Carlin, Eddie Izzard, Chris Rock, Bill Maher, Carlos Mencia and so on. Stand up comedy quotes carefully selected from famous stand up comedy concerts, interviews, TV appearances and more.

Stand-up comedy => Comedy Roast of Charlie Sheen Quotes

Comedy Roast of Charlie Sheen Quotes

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Maybe I should have listened to those 60 doctors, three ex-wives, two paramedics and nine dead relatives who were motioning me toward the light. All of whom told me not to do this roast.

Stand-up comedy => Andy Parsons Quotes

Andy Parsons Quotes

Tuesday, 02 August 2011

Get well soon. P.S. I know it’s terminal, but they didn’t have a card for that.”

Stand-up comedy => Ahmed Ahmed Quotes

Ahmed Ahmed Quotes

Tuesday, 02 August 2011

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.

Stand-up comedy => Adam Ferrara Quotes

Adam Ferrara Quotes

Tuesday, 02 August 2011

You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to piss you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.

Stand-up comedy => George Lopez Quotes

George Lopez Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

I am a product. . . . I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.

Stand-up comedy => Carlos Mencia Quotes

Carlos Mencia Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

I am a product. . . . I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.

Stand-up comedy => Bill Maher Quotes

Bill Maher Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law and Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

Stand-up comedy => Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?

Stand-up comedy => Richard Pryor Quotes

Richard Pryor Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

Stand-up comedy => Eddie Murphy Quotes

Eddie Murphy Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

Richard said, "The next time the motherfucker call, tell him I said, "Suck *my* dick." I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Jello pudding-eating motherfucker."

Stand-up comedy => Pablo Francisco Quotes

Pablo Francisco Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

It's not R'n'B music you know. R'n'B music is always five black guys with no shirt. "Yeah, I'm horny, Yeah." They always singing how fine a girl is. "Girl you're fine. Lay you down fine." They always say smooth soft and silky in every song don't they then they put beats to it. "Girl you're smooth, you're soft, fine... silky"

Stand-up comedy => Dave Chappelle Quotes

Dave Chappelle Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

Stand-up comedy => Chris Rock Quotes

Chris Rock Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

Chris Rock Quotes from Kill the Messenger (2008)

George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like "give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra...anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!"

Stand-up comedy => Eddie Izzard Quotes

Eddie Izzard Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

My sexuality is straight transvestite or male lesbian. It seems we are beyond the idea that I am gay and hiding it. If I had to describe how I feel in my head, I'd say I'm a complete boy plus half a girl. I don't seem to have the sixth sense that women have or their stronger senses of taste and smell. Gay men can also have it but straight men don't.

Stand-up comedy => George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin Quotes

Sunday, 03 July 2011

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

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